May 8, 2008
Baking holiday cookies at Wendi's
Today I wanted to eat again. I tried to convince myself that a raw food diet is just as good. I didn't eat, but later, while doing yoga in a quiet space, I looked up a picture of me on the beach, holding my beloved Molly, and the sadness just flowed: I cried and cried.
I'm grateful to have had 8 years with my loving daughter, but it went too fast. When she died, at first I could not accept the present moment at all. My mind literally tried to figure out how to go back in time (if all time exists now, why can't I go back?) Or, if not that, then how do I jump to a parallel existence (the ones that all the people in quantum physics talk about), - one where she is still alive?
Eventually I let go of that, but then I latched on to the anger I felt at the doctors - and myself for allowing her in their clutches (I can't possibly say "care", that's for sure.)
And finally, I just sometimes feel this incredible sadness and emptiness that she is not with me physically on this earth anymore.
One week on the New Earth webcast with Eckhart Tolle and Oprah, they talked about how when loved ones pass, you can actually feel their spirit with you more, if you can be open to that. I haven't experienced that peace yet, but it's comforting knowing that.
Leela Mata, of Peaceful Valley Ashram, told me that my sadness holds Molly to this past incarnation, and to do my best to let that go so she can move on with her journey. Mostly I feel like I do a good job, but sometime I just miss her so much.